Show Me What I'm Looking For
by brighteyedcat
Summary: Otalia. Story takes place immediately following the 4/2/09 episode wherein Olivia and Natalia deal with the fears and risks of taking their relationship to the next level. Femslash.
1. Chapter 1

**i.**

The silence that swept through the house following Natalia and Frank's engagement party was almost devastating. Even with Emma bounding gleefully around the rooms, collecting all the plates and silverware for Natalia in order to avoid bedtime, the mood of the house remained uncomfortable and oppressive. What used to be the most natural and insignificant routines for Olivia and Natalia now seemed to threaten their very foundation, as if in the passing of dishes or tucking Emma into bed, should their fingers touch or eyes connect for even the slightest of moments, catastrophe would ensue and the world around them would shatter to pieces. The level of care they took now in avoiding each other was both impressive as it was stifling and offensive. There wasn't an affliction to be caught and yet, they acted as if there was.

After jointly putting Emma to bed, Olivia took the liberty of making Natalia and herself a cup of tea to share outside on the porch. Watching the stars sparkle high above the quiet countryside had become another usually pleasant and comforting nightly ritual, one that Olivia hadn't availed two thoughts for…until now. Before tonight, sitting close to her friend and sharing casual conversation before bed was normal. So normal that Olivia had taken it for granted. After even the worst of days, she'd always found comfort in this routine and now that she'd realized its importance to her life, all she wanted was to relish this precious time she had left with Natalia, sitting beside her and chatting with her until it was very late. But tonight they couldn't even _look_ at each other without fear weighing heavily in their eyes. They weren't prepared for this, nor were they ready to see or feel what was becoming painfully obvious to them in the silent, secret depths of their hearts. Tonight they sat several strained inches away from one another and yet it felt like miles. Their smiles were tight and their words fought through static as they carefully considered every remark or question before allowing it to break free from their minds and fall from their lips.

Keeping her eyes averted, Olivia pretended to listen to Natalia's inconsequential discussion about some meeting she'd scheduled for Olivia tomorrow at the Beacon, all the while begging for the courage to just _tell_ Natalia what she'd wanted to tell her earlier this evening, earlier this week. But after numerous diversions at the party and the complicating factor of Father Ray's blessing, Olivia felt it was too late. Natalia seemed committed to marry Frank and there was nothing she could do without the risk of losing her more than she already had. Privately, Olivia cursed herself for allowing all of this to get so out of hand. What was _wrong_ with her? She never hid who she was to anyone before so why couldn't she just come out and say it now to someone she considered her best friend?

Before turning in for the night, instead of a last goodnight embrace, Natalia just smiled awkwardly at Olivia, lowered her eyes, and slowly walked up the stairs to her room. While flipping off the main lights downstairs, Olivia listened to Natalia's quiet footsteps above her, the soft running of water as she washed her face, and the opening and closing of dresser drawers as she changed into her pajamas. Olivia eventually made her way upstairs just as Natalia's door closed and the light that seeped out from under it went out. Thunderstruck by the magnitude of her hopelessness in this situation, Olivia stopped on the stairwell and looked down at the dark living room for a moment, recognizing that everything shrouded in moonlight was _hers_. This was _her_ home. This was Emma's home. How could Natalia not see that and how could she not want to do everything in her power to preserve it?

Olivia lay awake for hours that night with nothing but irritatingly noisy crickets chirping outside to comfort her. She thought she'd done enough crying in the corners for one day, but apparently she didn't have a shortage of tears when it came to Natalia. She ached for her like she'd never ached for anyone. It terrified her, to be so dependant on another person, let alone someone like Natalia, but what terrified her more was the very real possibility that she was going to _lose_ Natalia at any moment. No date for the wedding had been set, which meant that this horrible engagement could be dragged out to an eternity or her inevitable separation could be in a matter of days. For the first time in _any_ relationship, Olivia had no control over anything and found herself begging for mercy.

------

She didn't remember falling asleep, but Olivia certainly remembered waking up. Her alarm hadn't gone off so she must have overslept for Emma to come bursting into her room and hopping onto her bed, asking why she hadn't come down for breakfast.

Eyes puffy and red from the endless tears that had found new refuge on her pillow last night, Olivia made her best attempt at merriment on behalf of her daughter. "Mommy's not feeling well, that's all," she said, clearing her throat and sitting up in bed. Reaching for a tissue on her bedside table, Olivia dabbed her eyes and brushed away the remnants of last night's mascara.

"Are you sad, mommy?" Emma asked, concern written all over her young, sweet face.

Smiling weakly, Olivia took Emma up into her arms. "No," she lied. "I'm just tired." Kissing the top of Emma's head, "Come on," she said drawing back the sheets and getting out of bed so that Emma would follow. "You need to get to school." But when she got to the bedroom door, escorting Emma out into the hallway, she stopped. She didn't want to go downstairs and face Natalia. She was still hurting, angry even, over the fact that Natalia had deliberately made every attempt imaginable to deflect Olivia's feelings yesterday.

"Are you coming?" Emma complained at the top of the stairs, turning around.

"Mommy needs to get ready for her big meeting today and she's running very late. Make sure Natalia gets you off to school on time, okay?"

Emma rushed back to her mother and hugged her, dropping her head against Olivia's stomach and snuggling her gently.

It was heartbreaking. All of it. Did Emma even realize that when Natalia married Frank that they'd have to forgo the farmhouse she'd instantly called "home"? How could she? Olivia felt some obligation to sit down and talk about all of this with her daughter but if _she_ wasn't able to deal with it, how in the hell was she supposed to broach the subject in a way that her daughter could understand? Natalia was just as much Emma's mother as Olivia nowadays, and Olivia couldn't bear having to explain to Emma that she was about to lose another parent, knowing that the bond they shared was profoundly vital to Emma.

Olivia watched her daughter skip down the stairs to her other mom who was probably fixing her lunch in the kitchen and felt more tears start to well up in her eyes. Returning to her room, Olivia closed the door and got back into bed.

"Where's your mom?" Natalia asked, taking Emma's coat down from the peg by the door once she'd made her way back to the kitchen.

"She's sick," she said, shoving the last few scoops of breakfast cereal into her mouth.

"Sick?" Natalia asked, looking up as if she'd be able to see through the ceiling and into Olivia's bedroom. "How sick?" She asked, wanting to go up and check on her, but too worried about what might happen if she did. Was she really sick or was she just…upset? Sighing, Natalia distracted herself by readying Emma for school. She didn't know how she'd gone from Olivia's caretaker to dancing around her in order to avoid something she couldn't even put a name to, but that _something_ was still a subject that she couldn't even _think_ about without feeling the need to fall to her knees and start praying.

Emma sat at the table quietly, watching Natalia as she dozed off into a silent reverie until she snapped out of it and clapped her hands to get herself and Emma's attention back on the matter at hand.

"Time for school," Natalia announced, finding any excuse to avoid the elephant in the house that stood between she and Olivia. "Come on, come on," she encouraged with a smile, picking up Emma's backpack and helping her into her coat and gloves before shoving her out the door with a tight hug and a warm smile.

Once the door closed, sealing her alone in the house with Olivia, Natalia's stomach started to churn uncomfortably. She looked up at the staircase and thought about knocking on Olivia's door, wanting to ask her how she was, if she needed anything, but before she could even get one foot on the bottom step, she walked away and retreated back to the safety of her kitchen. She could keep herself busy, she thought. Clean up what was left of Emma's breakfast, do some laundry, begin preparations for a special dinner tonight, go visit the ducks outside…

But it was wrong. In the deepest caverns of her heart, somewhere she was still so afraid to go, she knew Olivia wasn't sick. She probably wasn't even hung over. In her attempts to be cautious yesterday, Natalia had allowed her fear of the worst to get the best of her and as a result, she'd offended Olivia when all she'd tried to do was host a beautiful, memorable party on behalf of her engagement to Frank. She owed her an apology and yet, she still found herself completely incapable of walking up the stairs and knocking on Olivia's door.

All night and throughout this morning, Natalia had been thinking about Olivia and the more she thought of her, the more she craved her company. She wanted Olivia to instruct her on how to properly put away dishes and to supervise her as she folded laundry. She wanted to sit on the couch with her and bicker about whatever was being printed in today's newspaper over coffee. She wanted to lay her head against Olivia's chest and fall asleep for a mid-morning nap to the soft, ever strengthening beat of her heart. She felt so cared for, so adored when she was with Olivia, and she wanted so badly to be able to return such affection without the fear of social, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual condemnation. But she couldn't. When she wasn't thinking about Olivia, she was thinking about God and praying to Him for guidance. Every one of her prayers was immediately met with a pang of guilt, telling her to go upstairs and confront Olivia, which she naturally retaliated with yet another prayer.

What seemed like a couple of hours had only really been a little more than forty minutes and Olivia still hadn't left her room. She hadn't come down for coffee or breakfast, and her morning meeting at the Beacon was fast approaching. Checking the clock and believing that she had a legitimate reason to impede on Olivia's privacy without confronting that which she feared the most, Natalia took a deep breath and carefully made her way up the stairs.


	2. Chapter 2

**ii.**

She wasn't sure how long she'd been standing in front of Olivia's door, hand raised and ready to knock. All she knew was that if she didn't hurry up and knock on the door already, the coffee she'd brought for Olivia would get cold. Or worse, Olivia would open the door of her own volition and catch her standing there like a deer in headlights.

Rapping on the partially open door, Natalia called into the room. "Olivia?" She said, using her foot to gently kick the door open a little more, but still waiting for Olivia's permission to enter. Peeking inside, "Hey, can I come in?" She asked with a cheerful and falsely confident smile.

Olivia sat on the bed, fully clothed and ready for her meeting. Out of nothing short of spite, she'd chosen to wear one of Natalia's favorite suits. She'd spent the better part of her morning browsing through today's potential new client's business proposal and debating whether this would be a profitable venture for the Beacon. She'd been so immersed in her work that she didn't even notice when Natalia came into her room until she heard the delicate clinking of dishes beside her. She wasn't sure what to think of this offering and her defenses immediately shot up around her. Was this supposed to be an apology? Or maybe this was an invitation? More than likely, however, it was this nothing more than meaningless kindness used for the sake of torturing her again.

When Olivia's eyes met with Natalia's, they were unfeeling and almost feral at first, which made Natalia more anxious and uncomfortable than she already was, but then Olivia's eyes looked back down at her work spread out on the bed. "Is that for today's meeting?" Natalia asked nervously as she set the breakfast tray onto Olivia's bedside table, feeling like her peace offering was aggravating the situation more than it was soothing it.

Licking the tip of her finger and then flipping one of the pages, "Yep," Olivia said without looking up until again she smelled the fresh aroma of Natalia's perfected brewed coffee waiting for her mere inches away. _Damn it_, she thought to herself, knowing that she was going to have to be nice in order to have any of it. "What is all this?" Olivia asked, allowing her defenses to fall a bit after taking the time to notice the incredibly thoughtful breakfast that Natalia had prepared for her.

Smiling, "Emma said you weren't feeling well enough to come down for breakfast so I thought I'd bring it up for you instead," she said, relaxing a bit more now that Olivia was being at least a _little_ more cordial.

"You didn't need to do that," she said closing the portfolios and setting them aside to give Natalia her full attention, something she deserved the second she came into the room.

"I know," Natalia shrugged as she picked up a plate of toast and jam and handing it over to Olivia. "But I wanted to," she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and waiting for the sugary jam and crisp bread to warm Olivia's heart even more. As much as she tried to dismiss it, she knew at first glance that Olivia had been crying. The very thought of her crying, and because of her no less, was almost too much to bear. But why? Sure the were friends, but why did she care _so much_ about Olivia's well being and why did that…closeness have to cause them so much pain and personal turmoil?

For a long moment, Natalia and Olivia quietly shared the fruit and toast she'd brought up between sips of impeccably prepared coffee. Natalia kept hoping that Olivia would say something so that she wouldn't have to, but the silence between them was becoming more daunting than the alternative. "So how is everything? Okay?"

Olivia glanced up at Natalia, raising a brow at her. If she'd learned anything from the past few weeks it was that vague questions led to vague answers and that led to sleepless nights and a broken heart. Olivia hadn't had nearly enough time to recover from yesterday and she wasn't about to risk more painful misunderstandings since she was now fairly confident that they weren't on the same page anymore. "What do you mean?" She asked, requesting clarification.

Swallowing the lump in her throat and forcing herself to speak, Natalia hid her fear behind her bright eyes and seemingly naive friendliness, as usual. "Breakfast?" She asked, though she didn't really care if the fruit and toast pleased Olivia. She knew it did. What she needed to know was that they were okay, but she was too chickenshit to ask. "Is it…I don't know, helping you feel better?"

Olivia smiled, snickering inaudibly, and then looking down at the breakfast tray. "Yeah," she said. "Everything tastes great. It always does," she said, looking back up at Natalia with a kinder smile when she remembered Sister Ann's advice: if she were generous with love, love would be generous to her. Acting ungrateful or cold wasn't going to get her anywhere, and most certainly not with Natalia. "Thank you," she whispered, tossing a fallen strand of her golden brown hair out of her eyes and smiling.

Exchanging a prolonged, tender glance at a woman that surely made her knees weak and her eyes glaze over in anticipation, Natalia nervously looked away and picked up one of the portfolios on the bed beside Olivia as a means of distraction. "So what do you think of these guys? Do you think the event will be good for the Beacon?"

Olivia took another sip of her coffee before setting her mug aside, finding herself strangely used to this dance with Natalia though still frustrated with herself for continually enabling it. "I think so, actually," she nodded, shifting closer to Natalia on the bed and reaching over her to open the file in her hands in order to show her the details.

Natalia heard Olivia's optimistic voice explaining what she'd be discussing at today's meeting, but all she found herself paying attention to was the soft curl in her lashes as her eyes perused over the pages, the dramatic curves of her body that were perfectly accentuated by the flattering cut of her suit, and the overpriced but entirely worth it perfume that drifted around her whenever she leaned closer. Even when she wasn't trying to be, Olivia was irresistible. And she was beautiful. Natalia couldn't help but smile and blush a little when she thought about how endearing it'd felt when Olivia had told her that she looked beautiful yesterday. She prayed for the courage to tell her she felt the same about her, but when those smoldering green eyes looked up at her, waiting for a response to whatever she'd been talking about, the words Natalia wanted to say got lodged in the back of her throat. "Sounds like a great opportunity," she said, blinking her way back to the present.

Olivia paused, furrowing her brows and searching Natalia's face for what she'd said didn't match her expression at all. Nor did it even come _close_ to answering the question she'd just asked her. "Yeah, it is," she digressed, wondering once again if what she felt radiating from Natalia was the same as what she felt for her.

Smiling, then quickly changing the subject, Natalia took Olivia's hand without thinking and squeezed it. "I should probably let you finish getting ready," she said, but once she realized that Olivia wasn't pulling away from her, Natalia hesitantly raised her other hand to Olivia's face, drawing back when she got too near, but then magnetically pressing on until she was touching the ends of Olivia's hair. Pushing it away from her face, Natalia held the back of her hand against Olivia's cheek. "You don't have a fever," she said using any excuse she could think of for wanting to touch her. "Are you feeling better?"

Too worried to do anything else, Olivia just let Natalia caress her cheek, reveling in the simple joy of being so close to her again. "Yes," she replied.

"Good. You're cranky when you're sick," she teased, leaning in and playfully nuzzling Olivia before unconsciously kissing her jaw.

She chuckled at Natalia's remark at first, but the second Natalia's lips met with her skin, Olivia's heart jumped. And then when Natalia didn't move away, she closed her eyes and sighed, completely enamored by how close she was to kissing her. She didn't even understand what this was or where it would lead, but _God_, how she had longed for this. Taking Natalia's cheek into her hand, she sweetly lifted the scared and ever-cautious woman's face up and kissed her. Chaste as it was, the kiss seemed endless. And when their lips separated, they immediately united again, sealing together for a longer moment as they each sighed and whimpered quietly, both grateful to have finally received some confirmation that their affection for one another was mutual.

Bravely, Olivia pressed her lips against Natalia's more firmly, slipping her tongue just beyond the opening of her parted lips before pulling back to suck gently on her marmalade-sweetened lips. Olivia's senses reeled in apprehensive euphoria, knowing that she wanted too much too soon from Natalia, but when she heard her friend's faint moans and felt the other woman giving into her more and more, she couldn't help herself. Her hands carefully drifted away from the papers on the bed and reached around Natalia's back, pulling her closer as each of their slow and curiously tentative kisses grew in intensity and enthusiasm.

Unable to process what had transpired at yesterday's party let alone what was happening right now, Natalia found herself surrendering completely to Olivia. She was overcome by her yearning for this woman and with each blessing of a new kiss that Olivia bestowed upon her lips, matched by the captivating taste of her tongue in her mouth, Natalia became instantly aware of exactly what this meant. Her breathing became heavier and more erratic as she rushed her hands into Olivia's hair, holding her lips against her own and kissing her back with astonishing zeal. She wanted this and not only that, she wanted this from _Olivia_: her friend, her _girl_ friend. The very concept of that scared her to death, and the thought of death brought out an entirely new set of worries.

Though she continued to kiss Olivia, Natalia secretly prayed for forgiveness, begging for the strength to stop this before Olivia seduced her completely and she lost sight of everything she'd ever believed in, everything she'd ever stood for. She invoked God and asked for His forgiveness for betraying His Word, forgiveness from Frank for betraying his loyalty, and forgiveness from Olivia for being so terribly weak and so terribly scared to love her in the ways that she deserved.

Stopping instantly and standing up from the bed, Natalia turned away from Olivia and covered her face with her hands in order to hide her sheer horror over the situation. It was only a coincidence that she'd been struck to the core after she'd reached for the buttons on Olivia's blazer, she told herself. She'd _not_ just done that and this was _not_ happening. "Oh God," she said, catching her breath and gravely wanting her heart to stop beating as hard as it was. "Oh God, what have I done?" She asked no one as she held onto the corner of Olivia's dresser for support.

"Natalia, it's okay," Olivia coaxed, getting up from the bed and going to her.

"Oh God," she repeated herself, not even hearing Olivia's words as she paced away from her, knowing that she wouldn't be unable to reconcile the situation in any way. "This can't be happening."

"Natalia, stop," Olivia said, taking both of Natalia's hands from her face and holding onto them, forcing her to stand still and just _breathe_ for a minute. "Shhh," she soothed, lifting Natalia's hands up to her lips and kissing them tenderly, hoping that she would see that Olivia wasn't ashamed and that she could depend on her and that everything would be fine. "It's okay," she said quietly.

"No it's not, Olivia!" Natalia exclaimed, one tear after another forming pools along the rims of her eyes and melting her eyelashes together.

Hurt that Natalia was so visibly offended and shaken by what had happened, Olivia took hold of her shoulders and implored her for leniency in response to all of this. This was not going to end with Natalia running away from her and never to return. "Why not? What is so wrong about this?" She asked, her voice showing signs of defeat.

Pressing both of her hands together as though she were praying, Natalia kissed her index fingers while looking deep into Olivia's eyes, willing her to understand the magnitude of how devastating this was to her faith. "Because this betrays everything I've ever believed in."

"That can't possibly be true," Olivia dismissed, fighting back her tears with anger.

Natalia's eyes shifted darker, thus confirming Olivia's worst nightmares without even offering her a word of explanation. Olivia brought her fingers up to her lips and stepped away from her, horrified that Natalia would just toss her aside like some mangy, used up animal over some archaic belief that she couldn't _possibly_ subscribe to. It wasn't like her to judge or condemn _anyone_ so how could she condemn herself for unpredictably falling for someone exceptional?

"Olivia, I'm sorry," Natalia said reaching for Olivia and finding herself even more distressed when Olivia rudely shrugged out of her grasp in order to sit facing away from her on the bed. "I can't just _do_ this," she tried to explain as she sat down beside her. "I'm too…" she searched her vocabulary for the right words that would comfort Olivia somehow while still expressing her need for patience and understanding.

"Natalia, _please_," she said, cringing under Natalia's touch and raising her hand to her so that she'd back off. She was embarrassed enough and the last thing she wanted was her patronizing pity.

"Olivia, you're not being fair. Did you expect this to be easy for me?" She asked, taking Olivia's hand. She knew Olivia didn't want to touch her, but _she_ needed it.

"Of course not," Olivia said, unable to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

"I mean…what am I supposed to do about Frank?" She thought aloud, trying to forge some sort of bridge between them but definitely choosing the wrong material to start with.

"Who cares!?" Olivia snapped bitterly, reaching for yet another tissue from the box on the bedside table to dry her eyes with.

"I do!" Natalia bit back. "I may not _love_ him, Olivia, but he's a decent man and he deserves my honesty and my loyalty."

"And I don't?" Olivia argued; her eyes narrowing dangerously as she shot a poisonous arrow straight through the sweet innocence that had always protected Natalia up until now.

"Olivia, that's not what I said," she sighed, frustrated that no matter what she said or did that someone was going to get hurt. Badly.

Olivia waited, hoping that Natalia would say something else, something a little more reassuring than another reminder that she'd just committed the most catastrophic sin in her entire life, but she didn't say another word. "Then what _are_ you saying?" she asked, once and for all demanding a straight answer.

"I don't know, Olivia. I'm really scared of this," she whispered, indicating the two of them with their joined hands. "But I also can't just change overnight," she said, taking Olivia's tissue to soak up the tears that were streaming down her face.

"I'm not asking you to. You think I'm comfortable with all of this?" She asked, raising her brows.

"You seem to be," Natalia confessed.

Olivia laughed in spite of herself, "Well I'm sure you've heard that looks can be deceiving. You of all people should know that." Sighing, Olivia took a moment to run her fingers through Natalia's hair and smiled sympathetically at Natalia. "Look. I'm just as worried about this and what it all means as you are, Natalia. I've never done this before. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what I want or…what _you_ want," she emphasized with her eyes.

"I don't know what I want either," Natalia admitted, lowering her eyes.

"That's okay," she said, forcing a smile and drawing her face back up again. "We'll figure it out together, just like we would anything else."

"I just…don't understand how this could happen. To us," she laughed, though the diverting laughter soon changed to petrified sobs and her shoulders started to shake as her truest feelings for her dearest and most trusted friend came flooding to the surface.

"Shhh," Olivia soothed, forgetting her own selfish needs and taking Natalia into her arms to comfort her. Drawing her against her chest, she held onto Natalia as though she alone could protect her from the eternal damnation that she feared. "I'm so sorry, Natalia," Olivia whispered, shushing Natalia's tears as they ran down her chest, soaking the edge of her ivory blouse. "It'll be okay…I promise," she said, though not having a clue as to how this would actually ever be "okay."

"I don't even know who I am anymore," she cried, clinging onto Olivia as though her soul depended on it.

"I know," she said, combing her fingers through Natalia's hair between gentle kisses upon her crown, meanwhile biting her lip to contain her own fears and sobs for Natalia's sake. "I don't want to cause you any more pain than I already have, Natalia."

Natalia sat up and cocked her head to the side as she took Olivia's face into her hands. "You haven't done anything wrong."

Olivia nodded, preparing to sacrifice herself for the sake of Natalia's happiness. "I have," she nodded. "I shouldn't have –" she stopped, the words in her throat so painful that she didn't want to say them aloud. "We'll leave. Emma and I will –"

"What?! No!" Natalia exclaimed, grabbing Olivia wherever she could, her eyes wide and desperate. "Olivia, you can't leave me!" She cried, completely panicked over the very possibility of being abandoned by Olivia when she needed her most. Then, suddenly, she understood everything. She'd caused Olivia immeasurable pain when she'd gone away with Frank and she could finally see the agony Olivia had endured ever since Natalia had agreed to marry him. Closing her eyes, Natalia accepted the depth of the crimes she'd committed against Olivia and then when she opened her eyes, she reached for her, drawing her in for another tender kiss. "I only need you, Olivia," she pleaded, "Please stay."

"As long as you'll have me," she whispered, tilting her head to the side and kissing Natalia again, hoping beyond hope that they would be strong enough to survive this new odyssey together.


End file.
